For Alyosha

[john_ofdarkness]

Shhhh, anti-OTP weekend isn't over until we say it is.

When Alyosha gets back to the room that he shares, he'll find John still in bed, sheets wrapped around him like a cocoon. He's awake--but he can't be bothered to move from his nest more than necessary, only raising his eyes a little and grinning at the entrance. "Hello, duck. Almost late for your prayers."

Comments

[tinylittleonion.livejournal.com]

"He's not a secret -- it's only that he's very private, and considers this a private matter ... and perhaps I didn't want to betray anything he'd confided in me, or I would have told you earlier. But I don't want to keep secrets from you. I'll tell you -- I love him a great deal. We've known each other a while, without really being close ... but we have an affinity for each other, I think, because we disagree on many things; we both have qualities that the other one lacks. So we are always trying to understand one another."

[john-ofdarkness.livejournal.com]

"So this has been going on for some time."

[tinylittleonion.livejournal.com]

"It hasn't always been the same thing -- perhaps because we don't always understand each other the same way. And last night was the first time, that we've ever ... ever shared a bed together." Slightblush.

[john-ofdarkness.livejournal.com]

"But you'd thought about it before." Kissing his ear, "While you were with me?"

[tinylittleonion.livejournal.com]

He shivers -- yet smiles, as though at a memory. "I only think of you while I'm with you."

[john-ofdarkness.livejournal.com]

"Full marks for etiquette, duck. Suppose I'll have to keep you." He pushes Alyosha off of him lightly--not a harsh push, but only enough to free himself--and then sets about washing his face and brushing his teeth and shaving his chin.

[tinylittleonion.livejournal.com]

Before he does anything else, Alyosha will go to the corner he has set aside for worship, so he might fast the east as he prays, and bow his head in humility before the ikons.

[john-ofdarkness.livejournal.com]

Once he's feeling vaguely human again, he'll pause in the doorway and watch for a moment. He does love how willingly Alyosha humbles himself before God--how he seems perfectly content in that humility, perfectly at ease with what he knows as the divine. Even after having what John can only think of as a torrid affair, Alyosha doesn't appear to be begging forgiveness. He doesn't seem ashamed.

At length, he moves across the room to get to his knees at Alyosha's side. It's only solemn contemplation, nothing so formal as prayer--but whatever there is of grace in this moment, he's trying to share it.

[tinylittleonion.livejournal.com]

With the God who knows him, and to whom he has put all his trust, how could he have shame? Neither could be ashamed to have John kneel beside him as he prays; in his manner Alyosha is at once absorbed and welcoming, without judgment or fear. He is praying in praise of God (bless the Lord, O my soul, and let all that is within me bless His holy name) but he is praying also for His mercy (who can understand sins? from my secret ones cleanse me, O Lord), praying for His grace (let the brightness of the Lord our God be upon us, and direct Thou the works of our hands over us), for His glory (I believe to see the good things of the Lord in the land of the living). His prayers are many, and in them he does not so much seek to be purified of his sins, as he once did, but that in God his sins might be purified, that the dross of worldly confusion will break away and leave only what is golden and worthy and good in His sight. It is that and that question only that concerns him, and he looks to the divine to answer it.

Once finished, he makes a prostration and he crosses himself before he rises, one last prayer (Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner) on his lips.

[john-ofdarkness.livejournal.com]

He stays a moment, wanting very much to feel something other than disquiet and discomfort--but that's all that he has; he gets to his feet heavily, stiffly, and goes to finish dressing.

[tinylittleonion.livejournal.com]

That's fine, that's fine -- with what one prays or doesn't pray is private, and honesty is more holy than prostrations and outward shows of piety. Alyosha would never ask John to give more than he has, does not ask him anything; he goes to the bathroom to undress and start a shower and for now they are only sharing space, meeting each other sometimes in their own morning routines.

[john-ofdarkness.livejournal.com]

... this part has to have happened by now in canon. Yes?

[tinylittleonion.livejournal.com]

XD yes, yes. only this part.